I landed on a forest clearing; it was right in the middle of the woods, the woods were right in the middle of what the new part of the world considered the old part of the world. The ancient part of the world was too tired or too wise to argue. The planet seemed strange and beautiful. Everything seemed new and I had no recollection of where I came from and no idea where I was headed, so I stayed.
I never wanted to change the world. I found it so beautiful and so horrible, and the world’s workings so unintelligible that moving the smallest pebble in a stream seemed like it could cause a flood of blood to overtake the Earth. Strangely, it also seemed like raising a revolution would change nothing.
I was happy to walk and watch.
What I saw was that everyone was looking for something. Everyone here seemed to be on a quest. Looking for excitement. Looking for safety. Looking for love. Looking for a family. Looking to belong. Looking for freedom. Looking for meaning. Looking for faith. Looking for knowledge. Looking for a sense of purpose. Looking. Always looking.
And I – I looked at them. I looked at you. I became them. I became you. I looked for... I looked for all of it.
I’d feel excitement diving off high cliffs into the cool of the sea. Soon enough, I’d be back inside, and the feeling would fade.
I’d feel safe walking trough the night wearing big, steal toe cap boots. Soon enough, I’d get into my office and the feeling would fade.
I’d feel love looking at Steve’s eyes. Soon enough, I’d have to face the fact that if I have nothing but love I will drain him and destroy what could be amazing.
I’d feel like I found a family when we would have breakfast together and do nothing. Soon enough, I’d feel trapped by it.
I’d feel like I belong when among close friends who could laugh at me without offending me. Soon enough I’d long for solitude.
I’d get a glimpse of freedom in that wonderful feeling you get while leaving your flat on a sunny Saturday afternoon, knowing the next two days are yours alone. Soon enough, Monday would come.
I’d get a sense of meaning looking at a blue sky and bright colours and crossroads. Soon enough, I’d be looking at charts on a computer screen, giving meaning to numbers that meant nothing to me.
I’d feel faith looking at people who said they believed. But I could believe in anything. It was the same as believing in nothing.
I’d find knowledge and see it’s faulty, then search again.
I’d get a sense of purpose after setting a goal. I’d get bored by it in a day.
I was human.
It was ridiculous. I tried to walk this path. I tried to do what I was told was rational. I sat in my office, I earned my pay. It was stupid.
We are told so many things as we start out in this life.
Be proper. Things matter. What is out is more important than what is in.
It is all wrong.
See, I could write for days and days about what I learned and what was so wrong. But you see, it’s boring and makes me depressed. Basically almost everything anyone told me so far was wrong to some extent.
All I have figured out to be right is that what ever I figure out to be right today, turns out to be wrong tomorrow.
What I have also realized is that the truth is always relative. That all always changes. Nothing remains the same. That sleep is redundant. That humans can do so much more then they believe than can, if they believe they can.
That I am not the changer of worlds.
That I dare not influence them. That good ideas turn into disaster. That I am paralysed by fear of responsibility. And fear of my own inadequacy.
That I am more then they could ever believe I am.
I was angry. I was sad. I was looking for a way to run. For a place to run to. So many roads diverge in this yellow wood. The thing I realized was that the only way to be the one traveller is to travel them all.
So, there is no failure.
No fear.
No good or bad.
Maya. It is all just illusions. I am not wise enough to see trough them. I do it for a while and then forget.
But there is nothing wrong with forgetting.
There’s nothing wrong with anything.
There’s nothing wrong.
No future.
No past.
No present between them.
All is always there and we spend so much time worrying about things that surely don’t exist. We miss out on enjoying so much because we think it is wrong, or that it might harm this future, or that it was harmful in the past, when effectively future doesn’t exist, and the past does not exist. Some claim that present is all that’s real. But that’s ridiculous. The existence of present automatically presumes the existence of past and future, they are simply proposing it be ignored.
What is there then? No time as a straight line you move on. No space with 3 dimensions. Everything simply is. You exist. The world exists. It is beautiful.
Everything.
Revolutions should not go towards the outer world. They should be about what we think.
Nothing big can change the world. Thoughts can.
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